Surviving the Making Friends Scene in 2019

Littered across social media lie outlandish headlines like, “Millenials Ruined Dating” or “50 Reasons Why Dating Today SUCKS” or “You’re Going to Die Alone, Why Try?” But these journalistic masterpieces are missing the real problem, Making Friends in 2019. Look through your recent text messages, Snapchat, and Instagram groups right now and ask the question, how many of these people did I NOT meet in college, my hometown, or work if you’re a real loser. The answer is obviously zero because, believe it or not, just like there are rules to dating there are rules to making friends too.

Suppose you go out bar hopping or to your local spin class. You may meet someone through mutual friends that you surprisingly enjoy, or at least tolerate more than the average waste of oxygen you encounter. Maybe you play a drinking game together and form a bond over your competitive streak that emerges when partaking in pointless showcases of non-athleticism or you just had a meaningful conversation about the impending doom of the global economy collapsing. Either way, what’s the next step?

Assuming you drunkenly exchanged phone numbers, forgoing social anxiety, now what? You can’t just text them, what will you say?

Hey dude, good meeting you. Wanna grab a beer sometime again?

NOPE. Sending that psycho text will buy a one-way ticket to the insane asylum. What are you thinking? What will you talk about? If you forgot, it’s 2019 and strangers don’t just “hang out” after ONE booze-ridden night of sharing each other’s insecurities, aspirations, failed relationships, hobbies, shoe sizes, and porn preferences. You have to start slow by following each other on every social media platform in existence (except Facebook unless you’re over forty)

Several months will pass spent casually watching each other’s meaninglessly glorified lives unfold via stories. You’ll catch unforgettable moments like


If by some miracle you haven’t forgotten who each other is yet and after numerous more weeks of this, then in one serendipitous stroke you’ll notice that you two just happen to be going out on the same strip of bars

Woah man, haven’t seen you in forever! I’m out here too! Come to Pig Belly’s!

You hop in an Uber, make your way to some hole in the wall dive bar and become steadfast friends!

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Who are you kidding? This isn’t a Miles Teller movie. Reality here consists of you gazing down at your phone, having zero idea who this person is, and unfollowing them. Welcome to 2019

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