A Completely Normal Guy’s Reaction to a Thirst Trap

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Great Odin’s Raven! This woman is STUNNING! But she would never want to talk to a nice guy like me. I bet she’s dating some Chad who works on Wall Street and treats her terribly. If I have any shot of impressing her among the hundreds of thousands of comments, I better do something bold, something to show her I’m not just a “nice guy”. Something that says, A Ned Stark in the streets and a Jamie Lannister in the sheets. I clearly have three options here:

  1. Like the picture and move on with my life
  2. Comment on how beautiful she is
  3. Go into graphic detail on how competent I am in the bedroom as well as the gargantuan size of my genitalia

If I know anything from the 1400 hours of anime that I’ve watched, option 3 never fails. Beautiful women only want guys with massive schlongs that are professionals at love making. Now, I just need to craft the perfect comment.

My throbbing scepter longs for the heat that is the smelting furnace between your succulent thighs

I think I’m on the right track, but I need to go into further detail, otherwise how will she know I have the skillset to give her what she’s never had? Maybe a different, more straightforward approach…

Oh baby, I have an 18-inch sausage that belongs right between the beautiful mounds that rest upon your chest

Good! Straightforward, to the point, and details the size of my totally real manhood. But yet still not good enough! Sexy women don’t like to “read” long sentences, they want to hear something succinct and concise. Wait, women love to laugh! I’ve been going at this the completely wrong way. All I need to do is combine something funny with a clever reference to my trouser python.

You’re the Gap, and I’m here to inspect the fitting room with an oversized hammer

THAT’S IT! There’s no way she wont immediately DM me to come pick her up and take her on the date of her life now. Im gonna go ahead and hit send-

WHO AM I KIDDING!? NO WOMAN WANTS A NICE GUY LIKE ME! WHY?! Why must I suffer? She’ll never notice this pure comedic gold. No, I have a fourth option. The only option. Forgive me, Zeus…

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