Whether you consider yourself a fitness pro or amateur, you’ve probably wandered your way into the human cesspool that is GNC. Now you may be thinking, “Cesspool? GNC is always clean well kept. What do you mean?” Well unlike Walmart where the inhabitants look trashy on the outside, GNC hosts a much sneakier type of garbage humans.
Walk into any GNC in the country and you are immediately accosted by some douchebag, wannabe Instagram fitness model. Unlike your average salesperson, this blockhead goes right to man-flirting with you.
“What’s up big guy? You must be getting ready for the Crossfit Games, what can I help you with?”
This shady tactic is meant to build your trust, so you believe you need the useless, placebo-based snake oil that this fitness bazaar sells. You’ll try to fight back,
“Just trying to get some more pre-workout man. Can’t seem to find it”
Moving products around so you are forced to interact with the sales harpy seems to be one of GNC’s favorite ploys. How many different shelves does the chocolate whey need to be on? NO other store does this. I walk into a CVS once and I know exactly where the Doritos and cheap wine is. But I digress, this brings me to when they try to hook the line in.
“OH, its right over here bro! Yea I love C4, its one of my favorites. But if you really want to get a good swole sesh in, which I can clearly see that you do, you gotta try these pre-workout gummies. We’re actually have a sale on them, buy one get one half off”
Now I don’t care how frugal you are, no one can pass up a good deal and these slime balls know it. DARE ME not to buy a hundred of these worthless sugar pills.
“Uh, well that sounds like a pretty good deal. I’ll take two I guess…”
“FANTASTIC bro-chado, let me ring you up”
Now this is the part that truly, TRULY devastates my soul every time I enter this hell on earth.
“Alright big guy, one C4 and TWO pre-workout gummies. That’ll be $149.99, debit or credit?”
Social anxiety is devastating, and I’ve come too far to back out now. So reluctantly, I put my Amex (not a brag, just a fact) in the card reader and proceed to leave the store with my tail between my legs, ever confused on how I let myself fall for this trap again.
I’d love to wish ill on every GNC but who am I kidding? I, just like all of you, lack the willpower to go to the gym without freebasing that half caffeine, half crack cocaine powder thirty minutes prior. So instead, I’ll just say to every waste of oxygen that establishment employs, Go to Hell